Diesal Dragons

Hello, my name is Rodney Marvel, and I am a naturalist specializing in the incredible animal known as the diesel dragon. If you have not heard of them, then I would have to consider you a social recluse [audience laughs]. They are everywhere and, as many of you know, they are a very real threat to human life. Now I’d like to share with you today some interesting facts about this dangerous creature which could help you in the highly likely event of a hostile encounter.

Diesel dragons are fascinating creatures, and I have devoted my entire life to their study. They come in a variety of colors, but are all roughly the same size. As an evolutionist, I am currently searching for a Darwinian explanation for the different pigments covering their impenetrable skin. Since they have no real predators and the colors clash with their environments, camouflage seems out of the question. It seems to me that the only possible explanations for the infinite variety of designs on the skin are (a) to attract mates and/or (b) to denote a tribe. While (a) is possible, no man to this day has actually witnessed the mating process. How they actually reproduce remains a defiant mystery. Now (b) is the most logical explanation because the designs are nearly identical on different dragons. Like colored dragons generally travel in the same area and sleep in the same lairs. This promotes the safety of the tribe as well as dragon solidarity. Of course, the more dominant tribes are more numerous. So it is with a high degree of confidence that I assert explanation (b) to be true and (a) to be partially true, if not completely false. Diesel dragons operate mainly from smell. Oh, they have eyes, but they are sunken and weak, with dirty, potentially jagged corneas. They have no antennae or any other noteworthy feelers, and it is amazing how these dangerous creatures operate from smell alone.

One must be extremely careful not to stand anywhere near their feeding grounds as humans seem to be their only sustenance. Feeding grounds are often marked with a dragon sign. Many selfless souls have been devoured constructing these signs which today ensure the safety of countless innocents. I myself have constructed a number of signs all over the world. If you encounter a dragon sign turn around and walk away at a brisk pace. DO NOT RUN. This may trigger a dragon’s predatory instincts, and you could be sucked into his gaping maws. Lastly, beware of the enticing gray benches located on the feeding grounds. They may offer rest and shade but, like the Siren’s call, they lure you to ignominious death. The shady benches generally attract the larger humans who, fatigued by their bulky weight, succumb to the deadly temptation of immobility. Now that you know how to avoid a dragon, you should spread your knowledge throughout our victimized world.

Next, we move on to the most amazing, terrifying aspect of diesel dragons: hunting and devouring. Hunting is a relatively simple process for one reason. This is the massive availability of food. Humans are being born exponentially faster than they are being consumed. A dragon can literally go anywhere and be surrounded by food. It is similar to a toad prowling a large city for roaches, except our “toad” does not reproduce nearly as quickly and has no other animals outside of its own species to compete with. The result is that there are a very limited number of “toads”: not nearly enough to control the roach population. As a result the human race has spiked, and dragons are constantly feeding. That being said, I’d like to share a recent encounter with a diesel dragon:

The diesel dragon rumbled its clumsy way to and fro, countless dull figures sat paralyzed within its specious belly, slowly being absorbed by subtle digestive juices. Its hot breath surged about me as I watched the feeding process, lingering for moment then riding away on the winds of passage. I froze within my camouflage shelter, terrified, hoping it missed my scent. Luckily the dragon passed me by. Others were not so fortunate. I watched as it stopped 100 feet away, opened its sliding maws, gobbled a helpless crowd, and then grated its way onward with drooping stomach.

Truly a gut-wrenching experience. One I would not wish upon my worst enemy. So for your own sake and for the sake of our noble race, beware of the deadly diesel dragons. Thank you all for your time. Good day and good luck.

Diesel dragons want to eat,

So be quick and move those feet!