How to Pick Up a Chick

How to Pick Up a Chick

By Brian Looney

You gotta be suave, cool to pick up the real lookers. And I, Brian Looney, am about to unlock to you the one conversation which will get you women! (1)Approach the dame with erect posture. (2) Acquire and hold eye contact on the approach. (3) Smile with confidence as you near her. (4) Repeat the following block of text WORD FOR WORD:

"Excuse me miss, could you put on some more make-up? I can see your face. Right there, under your left cheekbone a patch of your real skin is showing. No, no, please don't thank me. I know how you girls care about your looks. The diligence with which y'all perform your morning rituals is something to be admired! Like how you wake up in the morning, power on your fluorescent lamps, and for three relentless hours you correct facial defects with the precision of a seasoned surgeon; though without his customary caution. However, you employ a brush rather than a scalpel. Scalpels are only used in very extreme cases, as your breasts and nose will testify. Ahh what artistic skill you have with the brush! Picasso could learn a thing or two from you. Yeah, just go ahead and fill in the cosmetic gap with crushed insects, processed fish scales, cerebrosides, or mica and you should be in good shape.

Oop one of your color contacts dropped on the floor! I'm guessing it goes on your mud brown left eye? The synthetic pearl blue of your right eye simply defies crass reality. Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears certainly do not have poopy irises. Our friendly fratties react to blue on cue. So just lodge that piece of dyed glass into the old eye and you'll be up to your exposed shoulders in drooling sycophants.

Nice acrylic nails, by the way. The glued tips are beautifully blended with your human nails. And the swelling redess caused by the acrylic resins is barely noticeable! Unless, of course, somebody decided to hold hands with you. You must have a "look but don't touch" policy. Like mannequins and other "just for show" displays. How delicate and artistic! Yes, you are queen of the universe.

Wait a second! Are those brown strands I see? Oh, your hair coloring must be washing out! We can't have natural hair now, can we? That would be disastrous! Mr. Hollister will never look at you unless you have shiny yellow hair. A dose of phenylenediamine should do the trick! But I sure hope you don't have an allergic reaction. I hope your hair doesn't become so dry and brittle that it all falls out. Short hair is attractive on some girls, but no hair would make you look like a bald Barbie doll. And everyone knows that Ken hates Bald Barbie.

Ahh I just love Halloween. You must really love it too, seeing as you celebrate it 365 days a year. See, most people dye their hair and paint their face on October 31, but your passion for disguise is so strong that you gleefully don your mask every day. In fact, you even appear more confident when it is on. I guess confidence is really all we need in life. Maybe you should never take your mask off? I think they can tattoo it on nowadays...modern technology and all. Well look at the time! I'm late as usual. Gotta go. What was your name again? Fukov? Sounds Russian! Allright, see you around, beautiful!"